10 ways to affair proof your marriage.

After Craig and I got engaged, his parents sent us to an engagement retreat. We learned a lot about marriage in all the sessions we attended, but the one that has always stuck with me most was the session we attended about "How To Affair Proof Your Marriage". Honestly, I never would've even given the potential of an affair a split second's thought before that session, but then again I think a lot of people would've felt the same. I'm pretty sure no one goes into a marriage planning to have an affair, but sadly, they still happen. I think this is largely due to the fact that we don't think about them ahead of time and safeguard our marriages against them.

Before I share this post, I would like to say that as a Christian, I really and truly do believe that my faith and my husband's faith are the strongest factors in us having a happy and healthy marriage. Sharing a like faith and being able to turn to Jesus during challenging times in our marriage is such a huge part of what makes it work. BUT, that said, God isn't a magical genie in the sky who just says "poof" and makes great marriages appear. There are plenty of practical ways that we also utilize to keep our marriage healthy, happy and affair-proof.

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When you live together and see each other on a daily basis, going on real actual dates can kind of fall by the wayside, but make it a priority. Affairs happen for many reasons, one of which is that a marriage has gotten stale, boring and expected. Change things up with fun date nights to keep things fresh for both of you.

Craig and I didn't have sex before we were married - we were both virgins and as such I was pretty stoked about having a healthy (read: frequent) sex life. I remember the visions I had of what sex was going to be like and it definitely included an every day (at least once) type of schedule. Ha! After having a child, I now realize just how true Business Time by Flight of the Conchords was. Often it's the dilemma of sleep V.S. sex and let's face it, when you're a sleep deprived parent, sleep sounds way more sexy. But, make sex a priority...even if you don't feel like it. Sex is a great way to get reconnected with your partner and it's hard not to feel great afterward. Associating feel good, connected emotions with your spouse is a great way to keep your marriage on lock down from affairs.

Simply touching is just as important as sex. Take time to cuddle, hug, kiss and hold hands with your husband. These types of touch are emotional and physical and are an important tie that keeps you and your partner bonded.

I'm not saying you have to look like a perfectly fit 20 year old for the rest of your life just so your husband's eye doesn't wander. That's ridiculous and unattainable, not to mention unnecessary. But, does that mean that you should just get comfortable and "let yourself go" because you're married and you know that your husband will still love you with a little extra weight or if you wear sweatpants every day? NO! Do I think Craig would still love me if I gained 50 pounds and wore sweatpants every day? Yes. Do I think he would be as attracted to me? No.

After having Fern, I gained quite a bit of weight and went through a phase where I sort of gave up a bit. I never did my hair or makeup, I NEVER worked out or ate healthy, and I shlubbed around our house wearing sloppiness all the time. Basically I stopped trying for a bit. You know what? My husband still loved me and he still wanted to hold my hand and take me out on dates. But, you know what else? Ever since I started heading back to the gym and getting healthy again and since I've started wearing makeup regularly and doing my hair (or at least brushing it), Craig and I have been like twitterpated teenagers. We are both nicer and more considerate of one another in general and there is way more sex happening. The reason: I feel prettier and more comfortable and confident in my skin and that is sexy to my husband. Do I look like the 20 year old version of myself? Nope, but I don't need to. According to my husband, it's the effort that is sexy to men.

We have some rules that help us maintain a bit of mystery in our relationship, because trust me...after being together for 11 years and having my husband see me push a baby out of my lady bits...there isn't a ton of mystery left, but nonetheless...We have a no burping or farting rule. Some people think we're crazy, but it works for us. Obviously, sometimes, it just happens, but we at least try to be classy about it when we can. Also, we also close the door when we're using the bathroom because, let's be real, there's nothing sexy about that. Having a little bit of mystery in a relationship keeps things fresh. It doesn't have to be anything major, but a little bit of intrigue goes a long way.

If you're finding yourself attracted to someone you know or you notice you're going out of your way to spend more time talking with a particular person, let your spouse know. Affairs are bred in secrecy, in fact, that's one of the most appealing things about affairs - the fact that they are forbidden...illicit. You can stop unwanted feelings dead in their tracks by bringing them into the light. You may think that this will be hurtful to your husband, but I guarantee you, most men would prefer this to the possible alternative of their wife having an affair. Have a discussion about this idea with your spouse - if you discuss it ahead of time, it will be less awkward in the event that you ever have to bring something up.

Having clear boundaries is a crucial part of affair proofing your marriage. For us, our boundaries couldn't be more clear: we don't spend time alone with anyone of the opposite sex. Maybe some people could be OK with having friends of the opposite sex or going out to coffee with a guy friend, but for us, we've made a very clear rule about it. We have mutual couple friends and it's not like we never talk to anyone of the opposite sex or anything (we're not Puritans!), but in general I don't have any close guy friends and Craig doesn't have any close girl friends. This is a way we keep ourselves from any temptations that could potentially arise. Even if it's unlikely, I doubt anyone who's had an affair ever expected it to happen to them. Personally, I'd rather be cautious.

It's so easy to stop talking to each other. Life gets busy and sometimes there are days that go by when you don't have a real conversation, but let it be the exception and not the rule. Always take the time to talk and share and reconnect with one another. Never stop communicating.

Many couples whose marriages end in affairs got to that place because they slowly drifted apart. They stopped doing things together and slowly over time, the lives that had once been so entwined, became totally separate. Avoid falling into this trap by sharing in each other's lives. Take the time to be a part of the things that your spouse enjoys and find things that you can both enjoy doing together. The purpose of marriage is to have a partner to do life with, so make sure you're taking time to actually do life together.

Take the time to check in on your marriage regularly. Sit down with your spouse and have a heart-to-heart about how your marriage is going and about areas where you feel like you are being successful as well as the areas where you are feeling dissatisfied or that could use a tune-up. Marriage isn't perfect and it never will be. It's just a journey that a husband and wife enter into together and there will be lots of bumps and wrong turns and turnarounds along the way, but if you face it together you can have a truly great marriage.

What do you guys think? Is there anything I'm leaving out? Feel free to share in the comments!

xo
Lauren